This is the cuteness that I woke up to this morning curled at my feet. Oh, how I’ve missed my bb kitty, Merlin. =’)
Not only did I go out and buy a dress today, but it’s a hot pink dress.
I know, I know. I don’t know what’s happened to me either.
Believe me, if it wasn’t for my future sis-in-law’s upcoming bachelorette party that has a mandatory pink dress code, mixed with the entire lack of pink in my wardrobe, I never would’ve looked at it twice.
Whatever. I’ll pull it off.
For the record: my bb’s.
Redford (Golden Retriever), Merlin (grey w/milk mustache), and Benedick (all grey, long hair).
The only one who is still alive is Merlin, my bb kitty. He’s about 12 years old.
- To obtain my dream bed: wrought iron or wood four poster with vine/branch accents. And it’s gotta be sturdy…you know, for all the kink. This along with a ridiculously comfortable mattress, of course.
- To have my own personal library and a comfty chair in which to curl up.
- Two cats to cuddle with me while reading on the previously mentioned chair. They can include any of the following duos: all black tabby, orange tabby, Scottish Fold, Egyptian Mau, or Savannah.
- At least one dog: Golden Retriever/Golden mix of some kind.
- Access to good tea and good wine.
- To live close to a body of water… I grew up in Florida, surrounded by lakes and only an hour away from the ocean. I’m possibly moving to Michigan, right next to Lake St. Clair. I have to be near water. It’s a deal-breaker for long-term living situations.
This list is open-ended.
I had a wonderful night of hookah and tea with Natalie.
Also, it’s officially my best friend’s 22nd birthday. Happy St. Patrick’s St. Cassie’s day, everyone!
GPOY: Goin’ out tonight
Specifically, Vanderbilt University.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy for her and proud and all that jazz. It just adds to the pile of achievements of family members in my generation that I’m simply not living up to.
My sister: married with a kid and a great job.
My brother: college graduate, engaged, homeowner, and has a great job.
My cousin (year older than me): just graduated college and has a great job doing something in his field.
My cousin (year younger than me): graduating college at the same time as me, just got into grad school at an Ivy League university, and has a job as a youth minister.
Me: About to graduate, no job/job prospects, no idea what I’m doing when I graduate, no idea what I’m doing with my future, no relationship…
I’ll just be over here…
It’s been 11 years to the day since my mother passed away.
That familiar ache of loss, pain, and heart-wrenching longing to just hug her one more time always comes back. It never fails. Leukemia tore her away from me when I was far too young — I was only 11 years old. Now at 22, it’s terrifying to think that as of today, I’ve spent exactly half of my life without her.
She’s gone. I’ll never get to see her or hear her beautiful voice. I’ll never get another whiff of her familiar perfume. I’ll never hear her laugh again, never be able to hear her pick away at her 12 string guitar. I’ll never again taste one of her home cooked meals or dance with her.
At the same time, she won’t get to see me graduate from her collegiate alma mater this year. She’ll never meet any of my future lovers, or any of her possible grandchildren, nor was she there when my heart was broken. She won’t ever meet my best friends (some of the most important people in my life) nor will she ever see the person I’ve become or will eventually grow into. She’s just gone.
I don’t understand it. I never will. I mean, I know death is a part of life and all that bullshit, but it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I had to grow up without my mother, one of the most beautiful and dedicated individuals that I’ve ever met. The day she was ripped away from me and my family was a day that changed my life and my ways of thinking forever. I’m not afraid of death. I’m not afraid of an afterlife, good or bad. Thoughts of it just simply don’t bother me because inevitably, whatever we do now won’t matter. In the end, everyone dies. All you can do now is enjoy the moments you have with the people who mean the most to you, however fleeting those people or the times you spend with them may be.
This depression that tears through me every year is just a reminder that I am human. No matter what fuckery life throws at me, it’s part of life and I have to deal with it while I’m still here and I have the opportunity to, simply, live.
Not a flattering picture, but it gets the point across.
I just burned all of the things (letters, pictures, silly little mementos, and a jacket).
I guess you could say that I’m duh-dun-done…with you and all the bullshit you put me through over the last 4 years.
Closure is nice. So is fire and destructive therapy.
